Why Wait?

Dear Daughters,

The closer you get to marriage the harder it is to understand. Why wait until we're married to have sex? I mean, we're getting married one day anyway? The only difference between now and then is a paper with our signatures, a new last name and some other minor details. Besides, how does a traditional ceremony change our relationship?

So why wait?

I could write you a novel on the topic; Been There Done That would be the title. I used to convince myself in my first relationships everything in the previous paragraph. Now, I'm in a relationship I have even more confidence in and waiting is not grievance, but a tremendous blessing. Having sex with the same person for the rest of my life and waiting until our wedding night is a joy. There are certain characteristics that show in people falling prey to the lie that waiting doesn't make it different.

Men and women who don't wait show a lack of self-control.
I sat down with Jeffrey one night. We agreed when we first started dating to set specific boundaries, we agreed we needed to be open about sex and communicate our feelings, anticipations, and fears very openly. Still, there were safe boundaries of communication, making sure we guarded our own hearts from temptation. This kept us pure, kept us anticipating, and shows self control.

Men and women who don't wait are avoiding Biblical conviction.
(this is going to be my most lengthy point)

Let me clear, I'm speaking to believers here. For those who don't believe, you may or may not face conviction. How can I preach to you do right without teaching you grace?
But for those who have faith, claim Christ, but behind the scenes their under the covers, how can you not have conviction? If you don't, it's what I would call spiritual numbness. Let me go on a tangent for a moment to speak to this group:

It was just like every other time. We said we wouldn't do it again - not that we were having sex, but it was close enough for discomfort- yet there we were, struggling to say no. I'll spare you details, but by the end it I felt no guilt. Every other time there was a silence that followed and you could feel the shame in the air, weighing down our hearts. The apologizes would follow and the promises I knew wouldn't be kept. I didn't want to do it anymore, but I didn't know how to stop. This time I didn't feel a thing, I was totally numb to any conviction. I just didn't care anymore.

Luckily this wasn't the end to my story, but for those of you there, conviction can't be all about emotion. There's logic to it too. This does not please God and He actually has better for you.

Men and women who don't wait miss out.

"Miss out?! What can be better than sex?"

How about a godly relationship that can show others His character? You miss out on this huge blessing when you throw conviction aside. How about a confidence and security that only come from sex within marriage (which we'll talk more about)? How about the freedom that comes outside of sin?

You may think that you're getting all the perks of marriage without the commitment, but really you're missing the whole point! Let me explain with an example. When Jeffrey and I sit down and discuss sex in a way that keeps us both on the same page (without being graphic or cuddling up real close) we find security in our relationship. If Jeffrey were to take what he thinks he deserves I always run the risk (not matter how sure I think I am) that he might not choose to be in a relationship with me down the road. There's also this stange peace that comes from the fact that this man loves me and desires to please me, much more than just sexually!

Which brings me to my next point.

Men and women who don't wait miss the point of marriage.

It's not sex (who knew!?). It's humility, grace, unity, prayer, responsibility, love, compassion, service, partnership, love... love.. and then some sex to show more love and service and... you get the point (hopefully). If you were only waiting for you're wedding day to have sex, you're going to be disappointed. Because sex doesn't last. If that's driving your idea of marriage and your relationship, you're missing out.

My friend Maria prayed over Jeffrey and I. She compared marriage to a partnership and a beautiful picture came into mind. Jesus once sent out his disciples in two before Him, to preach the gospel to different cities. I thought about those relationships, that those men would have leaned so much on each other for strength, prayer, and they would have spent so much crucial time together. They had to be on the same page because they were speaking the gospel to many places and sometimes being ridiculed. They couldn't have kept secrets, and they weren't in these cities to do their own thing. Such a closeness and bond, and all for a purpose. I believe marriage is this type of partnership.

Changing that picture to a sexual relationship before the Lord would bless us with it, warps the picture. It changes is from about Him and His wishes and purposes, to our own desires.

I could slap bible verses all over the place and condemn you all, but why would I do that when I've "been there done that". We're all guilty, and if you're not aware of the guilt you have before God, you must be missing out on the majority or scripture. And if you're not aware of His grace, you're missing out on a whole lot more...

Chelsy.

Freedom.

Dear Daughters,

Did you know sex within marriage comes with freedom?

Today I was discussing my relationship with God with someone, trying to be honest about how it felt at this point. Often it's easier to understand where we are with Him if we think about it like marriage. I've also seen that it's easier to compare reading the word and prayer with sex, or at least the intimate feeling that comes with it. For more on this see My Facebook Note.

So I explained my relationship with God like this:

It's like we live in the same house, we share the same bed, but we never speak. It's like we are never home at the same time. A empty house that is full of quiet. It's as if people come over for dinner and I tell them how great our relationship is, but I feel lonely, like I haven't seen Him in weeks.

Don't take this as me saying it's His fault, but that I've kept Him far off because I'm afraid of what He might say. The problem is, I'm denying Him intimacy with me. It's the same in marriage - the more distant you are the worse your sex life is. You can't have intimacy with someone you aren't in communion with.

So for those of us who feel abandoned, how do we come back to intimacy with the One we love?

The same as in marriage, it starts with talking, with being honest. Honesty leads to trust, and trust leads to unity. Once we are one we begin to enjoy the fullness of unity, intimacy, and joy.

In marriage, there is freedom in sex. We are free to enjoy each others' company and our marriage and grow in our relationship. With God this looks like freedom in serving Him, that we don't feel like we have to serve Him or burdened but that we enjoy doing so because that is our intimacy with Him. Serving God because we feel like we have to is like having sex with our husband for the same reasons. If this is not what God desires, we are shaming Him as well.

I pray for all of us today in a quiet and lonely home, that we begin to take the steps to filling our relationship with freedom and intamacy again. That we remember the love we had as newlywed brides.

“I remember the devotion of your youth,
    your love as a bride,
how you followed me in the wilderness,
    in a land not sown. 

 Israel was holy to the Lord,
    the first fruits of his harvest.
All who ate of it incurred guilt;
    disaster came upon them,
declares the Lord.”

-Jeremiah 2:2-3 

Chelsy.

Thankfulness.

Dear Daughters,

Today you won't be called out by me to change everything that you are, get your act together, or start praying for all the things that are wrong about you to be better. Today you'll be asked to check your heart, if you think these things will save you.

I have found, very recently, that my prayers have turned into good works. I have been so focused on needing to make myself better and because of that my prayers only centered around requests for myself to change. Not praise, not lifting up friends and family, not awe. Prayers of please do this and that. I never realized I was forgetting to awe the Creator, I was using my prayers as a form of good works. But I really never believed anything I was praying could be done, because I felt too messed up to fix.

I didn't understand God doesn't want to "fix" us, He wants to heal us. He wants to have relationship with us. He does do sanctifying work (Phil 3:12-16) and we should not stop praying for Him to move in our hearts.

However, I've realized there are two types of joy, old joy and new joy. New joy is when we pray for something and it happens and we are thankful. Old joy is when we remember the joy from the past- answered prayers, past events, etc. I believe a big problem with our praise is that we only focus on new joy. We forget to remember the things He has already done.

Today my only request from you is to stop dwelling on all the things you think are wrong in your life and in your heart and start praising Him for the many things that He has done. He deserves praise. Not someone who always asks and never says thank you.

We are the 10 leapers who come to Jesus to be healed. He sends us out with a requirement (a request He has in order to heal us) and we go away with exactly what we asked for. But let us not be like the 9 who never return to say thanks. We must be the one humble enough to return and praise Him, for He is worthy.

I love you all and my heart burns for you,

Chelsy. 

Daily Bread.

Daughters,

I realize reading the Scripture is a hard habit to get in to. My boyfriend and I have this mutual agreement that almost anything you do right takes a lot of consistency, and it isn't always the easy way. It would be easy to plop open the Bible every day to a new section every day, read something random and call it a day. It would be easy to get an app that gives you feedback on a verse without looking much into it.

These things are wrong, not at all, but not everything is beneficial for you (1 Corinthians 6:12).

The Scripture is hard to understand, let's face it. It was written in a different part of the world two centuries, and then some, ago. It's hard for us to relate simply by reading. It requires seeking out answers to questions and doing a little leg work. Most people hear that and give up, but really, it's not that hard and once you understand how to do it, you will get so much more from it.

So for those of you who just don't know where to begin, there's so much hope!

So I want to explain a few things. Firstly, there's a certain heart behind reading the word that is essential. You need to fall in love with the word.

Lastly I'll give you the layout for how to get started (this one's gonna be good!).

Fall In Love

When you love something it's all you talk about. After the feelings go away though, it's all about the choice to love. Sometimes the Scripture is really easy to read. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to want to open it up. But I don't stop loving my mother because today is hard, I try harder to love her because she's my mother. 

When the feeling fade you must find yourself in prayer. How can God deny a request to love His word, it's what He wants for you and it will be what's best for you. 

Accountability

When I started a membership at the gym, it was really hard for me to go alone. I didn't know how to work the machines well, I didn't have a routine, and I felt really alone. Eventually I stopped going. When my boyfriend and I picked it up together, he showed me how to work other machines, we built a routine and we always went together. Now I can go by myself and I enjoy it.

My point is you're not always supposed to do everything alone, at least not always at first. You won't want to all the time and some people tend to give up when no one pushes them.

A Plan

Don't set your standards too high. I've always thought the Bible is best when its not read at speed. It may take you days to read a chapter, that's okay. Sometimes it's easy to skim and miss important things that take time to mull over. Speed is not the point, it's the heart. But you want a plan, to keep you in check and so you don't read a sentence a day (out of laziness) and call it quits because there's no expectation. 

Okay, I know this blog is long, but here's the good stuff!

There are just a few steps: 

1) Know the context

 a) Who is writing it?

 b) Who's the audience?

 c) What's the subject/culture?

2) Read the text

 ... as if you've never read it before (try to do small sections at a time)

3) Ask questions!

 Everything that comes to mind! Even if you "think" you know the answers 

4) Read the sources and get the answers

 Don't go just anywhere for info. The Esv Bible website and Blue Letter Bible are great tools. These are two good and proven sources. (Remember, not everything on the internet is true!)

             SOURCES: http://www.blueletterbible.org/index.cfm

                                  http://www.esvbible.org

5) Pray, Worship, Live, and Share. 
 The purpose is to grow. You put to practice what you learn and read. It helps to journal, you can see the progress when you do. Still, it's important to pray out of the word, it helps direct this to God and show you how to grow. For instance:

In reading Galatians 5:1 (For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.)

You could pray, "Lord, please teach me to live in freedom. Bring to light ways I make myself a slave to my sin. Forgive me for not standing firm in freedom."

You can worship though reading. My pastor play worship music when he reads so that he can sing and rejoice or weep and lament with the lyrics and the words. It helps him worship. 

All of this is just an idea. The great thing about reading is there isn't really a right or wrong technique to building your habit. But most importantly, don't make excuses. This is important. 

Psalm 119:72

The law of your mouth is better to me

than thousands of gold and silver pieces.

Chelsy. 

Grace of a Father.

Daughters,

Yesterday, I had a realization that greatly encouraged me, it wouldn't be fair if I didn't share it.

I've realized that we often have a hard time understanding grace. We become easily frustrated with each other and ourselves and very miniscule things cause us to be bitter towards one another and even hate one another. We would assume that things would be the same with God, that His grace would be limited like man's is. Without scripture to tell us otherwise, this is a understandable assumption.
How could God love a murderer after what he's done? How could He love you and I after all we've done? Beyond that, we fail Him day in and day out- we don't keep promises, we forget what we learned yesterday, and we go behind His back consistently. Surely, even if He could still love us, He loves us less now because of what we've done, right?
Even if we proclaim grace with our mouths, we can still believe a very different "truth" underneath, in our hearts where no one can see how wrong we could be. Then, in believing this doctrine of false grace, we find ourselves failing to tell others of His love and it becomes harder and harder to show grace to others.

If God is not gracious there is nothing to proclaim. If He's not the Great Forgiver there is no need to show forgiveness to other.

 But there must be a flaw in this doctrine. Because if God is not fully gracious and completely forgiving there is absolutely no hope. And do you not know that if He is not fully gracious He is a liar? Is He is calling you into love only to hold a grudge? God's love is an absolute. It either is, or it isn't. And for those called by grace, it always is. You cannot break the love that you didn't begin and you can't outdo His grace, there's always more to be found. 

You see, if God's grace was limited to man's goodness, then we would still be under the law, and we are now under a law of grace (Gal 2:21). God's grace is given freely, and never held back. It is new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23) so the things of yesterday are no longer held against us. 

The easiest way for me to understand grace is through a metaphor. God is our Father and we are his children. If you know anything about children, you know they forget discipline easily, they disobey often, and mostly feel no regret for that. But a Father doesn't love His children any less because they are disobedient. He doesn't hate them when they forget to wash their hands before dinner. He doesn't regret having them when they act out or feel ashamed to call them His own when they forget His teachings. He loves them just the same, and He knows they will grow and learn with time. He's patient. 

And He is abounding in mercy, always faithful in grace. 

Chelsy. 

Confidence.

Daughters,

You're body is a temple for the Spirit of the Living God. You are precious and honored in His sight. You were knit in your mother's womb, with intentional care. These aren't opinions, not "feel good" phrases, yet they're so hard to believe until you recognize them as truth.

Confidence effects everything. From your work ethic, to your relationships, to your very faith. If you believe you're worthless you're bound to act it out, it will fill your speech, and it will be the end of your joy.

The world is so good at telling us we're worthless, even unintentionally. We grow up wanting to be princesses, yet the kids on the playground won't stop making fun of our hair, or our name. We begin to believe we're out of the norm and in a very bad way. We hold those little things inside us for a very very long time, until one day we're grown ups with a lot of deep-rooted insecurities.

Those girls you make fun of for being "fake-baked" or super skinny or shopaholics are most likely the worst victims of deep-rooted insecurity.There are those other girls who grow up like goddess' to be worshiped and boys and girls alike will worship the body, and forget the person inside it. Men will goggle and women will even (but she's an idol just the same), but no matter how much they do she can still be the least confident woman in the world.

It's not always looks that we're insecure about. We're not the funniest, or the smartest. We aren't athletic or creative enough. This type of insecurity is sometimes the hardest to fight, because you have to become fake in order to be accepted.

A worldly woman seeks only to be accepted. She prides herself in fashions statements, harsh diets, attention seeking, striving for compliments, but never really feels satisfied. She's still holding on to what they said in pre-school about her hair, or in middle-school about her clothes, or even what her close friends said about being dumb.

So it affects our image of ourselves, or closeness with others (because if they know who we really are, they may not like us), and lastly -and most importantly- our faith. When we believe we're worthless, and there's not convincing us otherwise, scriptures like I mentioned earlier mean nothing, prayer is not longer effective (cause no One can fix this mess), and our relationship is only at a distance. Just like with people, we're afraid of what God might really think of us when He sees all our sin and failure and even insecurity.

Yet, God already knows it! The words He spoke are written before the feelings we feel were ever real, and He still means them. When we bank on our insecurities to tell us the truth, we'll end up in despair and deceit. The only way to be free is to let go of your stubbornness and believe. Only then can Psalm 139:14 mean a thing. Then we transform own minds and bind them to the will of Christ ( Rom 12:2, 1 Peter 1:13).

From now on every time I have a fit about what to wear, condemn myself for saying something stupid, feel self-pity, or hold back my prayers, I must begin to conform my mind to what He says about me. I'm a temple of the very Spirit of the Lord, I am not my own, but bought with a price. Not even my insecurities will change that, but He wants to make me holy as He is holy.

Go in peace 
(Luke 7:50)

Chelsy.

Dating.

Daughters,

This is one I'm very excited about, but before I jump into the advise I have for you all, let me give you my dating history.

For me, dating has been bittersweet for a long time until last summer, and my views have changed a lot up until then.I became a Christian at the end of middle school in 8th grade, but before that my dating experience was anything but holy. I had no real standards, no real expectations for the future, and only really wanted a relationship to have some kind of security (being liked, having someone there). 

After Christ, my perspective changed. I decided I shouldn't date anyone who wasn't a Christian. Unfortunately that was my only standard, and that's easy to fake so I dated a lot of guys with half-hearted relationships to God, if there was anything at all.

Then I started to be more specific, I only wanted strong Christians. Still, this wasn't specific enough. My relationships were not really Christ-centered, which is what I really wanted, and I still left them confused and broken. At this point I stepped back, I re-evaluated what I really wanted in my husband (not just any man) and prayed about this a lot. My standards were at a record high and soon I began to deny anyone, but the guy I really wanted. I created a list of things I couldn't settle for, and prayed over them with passion. I wasn't a perfect and patient girl, but I tried really hard and spent many nights weeping and begging for God to be gracious with me, teach me to love Him more, and help me. 

Through this struggle I learned so much. For anyone in waiting, in struggle, or already dating, I hope you can learn from my struggles, and maybe avoid them yourselves.Here's a list of some things I learned.


1. God is mysterious in relationships.

      This one is huge. Throughout my struggle I went to so many people, book, and other avenues for dating advice. What was my husband to be like, how would I know it was him, what is courtship or dating or marriage supposed to look like. The truth is, no one can tell you what your love story is. No one that is but the One who wrote it. I was so busy asking friends, family, and even married folks, that I forgot to consult my Father. They can't know, because God is mysterious and He doesn't need to give us all the answers, He needs us to trust Him and love Him more, which is exactly what He showed me.

2. You are to be valued. 

     Don't settle for less. Never ever. Although it's cliche, God loves you and He desires more for you that what you've always wanted or than what you need. The guy for you should care for you and honor you. 

Ephesians 5:28, 1 Peter 3:7

3. There is only one necessary relationship.

     You don't have to practice sex to have good sex in marriage. You also don't have to practice relationships with other men to have a good relationship with the one who you're made for.  The Lord can do so much more preparing of your heart when you're single and all your focus is on Him. He wants to be the love of your life first. Don't waste time breaking others hearts, your own, and letting any other person have your affection, any part of it. You don't need a relationship to be fulfilled.

4. Prayer, Prayer, Prayer.

       Who's in control here? So, who can help you in times of need. Let's be honest, relationships are one of the hardest things you'll ever do. You need His help. So just admit it and partake of it freely! It will make this process so much more rewarding and beautiful. When I made my list and prayed for it, I felt like I was already loving my husband before I even knew who he was. When I was distressed, the Lord became my comfort instead of another man. This is your most useful tool.

5. Your parents know best. 

     No one wants to admit it, but you're parents know you very well. They raised you. They have advise on dating, whether they're Christians or not. They're going to be protective of you, and this can be a good thing (although maybe not always). Listen to their advice, consider them, then made decisions on who you will date, or how you will decide to date. For instance, my mom has always had a rule that she must meet who I date before we date. She wants to protect me from anyone who can hurt me. My dad would discipline any  guy who went beyond his rules, strictly, and was very good at protecting me. You're parents want to help you.

6. The Lord cares just as much (if not more) as you do.

     If you're anything like me, waiting is eating you up. Patience isn't easy. Neither is heart ache. I remember watching chik-flicks and dying to be in a relationship. I've always had a deep longing for my husband. Yet, for a long time I was ashamed of this, granted I was almost idolizing him, but still, longing for my husband can be a very good thing. Once I realized that God cared about the subject just as much as I did, I could go to Him in my longing and no longer be ashamed, but ask Him to help me and continue to be understanding.

7. Ask for what you really want and really need. 
      When I made my "husband list" I wasn't afraid to put what I really wanted. I had a few long-lasting relationships, so I definitely knew what I didn't want. I was specific, and I wasn't afraid to put physical things on there too. It helped me remember that if he didn't match with the list, because I was so honest, I knew it wasn't really what I was looking for.
8. Don't worship a man.

     Like I mentioned before, longing can easily become idolism. Sometimes I would go to the bible, pray that God would help me understand what my husband would be like, but to my surprise I would begin reading about my own sinful heart. I began to realize He wanted to be the only thing I long for. My husband isn't going to be worth the affection only my Savior deserves. For all the girls out there who are a little too boy crazy, consider that you are neglecting your true love. He is the only one who deserves your life, love, and heart. Don't let even your husband the throne to your heart. Love him well, but not more.

Remember, this in love I say this to you sisters. I pray God keeps you from straying and close to Himself. Love you all so much,

Chelsy/